Talk 62 – Past and Future

I really became melancholy these days, just like in a kind of tragic korean drama. And actually i feels weird how could i be like this? Oh yeah it’s because of my unstoppable feelings.  In my talks before, i wrote about how i didn’t really like romance and never really understand it. And who knows? Now, when i little bit understand about it, this love stuffs really screwed me up. Well not in the beginning, but absolutely yes in the end. Is it the end? Well, i don’t know. Yeah, it’s kind like the end. Maybe.

But, today i hope i can come back as the girl i was before. Gladis. No cries, no worries, nothing. ‘Nothing’ that i means it’s no sad or depressed feelings or kinds of that things. Because you know what? The worst feelings of everything is when you feel nothing. You’re not feel sad and not feel happy or something in between. No feelings. Urgh, i hate that the most.

Ok, so i’m not really sure i can feel okay again right away. But, because today i finally found a reason to help me to do that, i hope i can do that as soon as possible. It’s just a small reason, but with small thing we can do a bigger thing right? I can’t write or tell about what reason is it actually, because….,hmm…,it’s just not feel right to write about it. Although i don’t really understand why i write this.

In the past, well actually since more than three weeks ago until few hours ago, i kept thinking how can i live like this? With all of this pains? Am i will keep live with this pains? Because it’s endlessly hurts me a lot. And i knew that no one will understand this pain, they just will think of me as a stupid little girl. And that made everything worst. Plus, all of this acting i did to make me look as a ‘fine and happy girl’ made me really really tired -_-

This one little reason i found today is actually not a good reason. It’s made me cried and felt upset and hopeless, but the important thing is this reason made me thought that i can get a better life. Help me to be more positive and believe that i will get something that i deserve however the condition is.

Before this ‘problem’ happen, i felt really excited to wait for what would came in the future. And after this ‘problem’ happened, i was frightened about what will happen later. But, started from today, i will be more positive, more stronger, live a better life, and do as best as i can in each day. Well, actually i still nervous to face tomorrow, but, i need to be confident!!!

I survived, i surviving, and i will survive

Note : Before i wrote this post (and looong before the ‘problem’ happened), i made this blog as a private blog to avoid my parents open this blog and read it. But, today i will make my blog as a open blog again. I don’t know i just want to do that. And i hope if my parents found this blog, i just want to tell them : Seriously, i did what you told me to do. I don’t know you believe that or not, but pleaseeee just pretend you don’t know this blog. Writing it’s one of few things that can make me happy. You already took one of the reason for me to be happy, please don’t take another, and try to think the way i think. Thank you. I love you. Believe me, doing blog or write something in my mind will not destroy my future.

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