Talk 73 – #2013 Love Life

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Oh yeah, dude! We’re going to talk about Love Life, urghfttt~ I don’t know how weird it’s going to be. So, warning! Well, wait, I’m not sure that anybody will read about my 2013 series because actually I wrote this 2013 series and post it in blog for myself, so I don’t care if nobody read this post and actually I don’t really want anybody to read my 2013 series. So, what is the point? There’s no point, ok it’s become random, just warning, maybe I will not write a really nice words in this post and maybe it will become too dramatic and weird, and the truth is I kind a worry to write about this ‘Love Life’ things.

It’s just because I don’t have diary or other notes, I don’t want to write about it on the paper, so I decided to write in my blog. So in 2014 I can open this post to look back and always remember what I through and what I had learned from it.

Gosh, that was a really long opening, I’m sorry, I’m just so weird -,-

Ok, where should I start? Yup, I had my first boyfriend in the end of 2012, and it was really unpredictable, because at that time I was plan to not dating before I graduated from senior high school, but that was totally failed because I was dating when I was still in junior high school. And the one I was dating with is more unpredictable. Yeah. LIFE IS UNPREDICTABLE!!!!!

Wait, do you guys realize the past tense words? ‘I was dating’ yeah it means we are not dating anymore. I don’t know when should I write I broke up with him, because it was ABSOLUTELY NOT CLEAR. Believe me, that’s the truth, I don’t know when we were actually broke up -,- And the ‘official’ reason why we were broke up is really unpredictable. Yeah baby, once again, LIFE IS UNPREDICTABLE!!!!!!!

But, I’ll tell you why we’re broke up, because I had talk about it in previous post, we were broke up because my parents found and READ MY DIARY then they’re found out that I had a boyfriend. And they were really really really really really mad because of it and forced me to broke up with him. That’s suck, right? Urrrrggghhhh the two months since my parents found my diary was the worst time in my life. And that’s way I don’t want to write diary anymore, I’m still in trauma~

So, I broke up with my boyfriend, and I felt really sorry because I hurt him. And this is what I need to remember. Don’t ever hurt someone you love and don’t ever leave them, because it will kill you inside, and you’ll regret it in the end. You need to fight for someone you love.

Seriously, after I decided to break up with him, I cried almost every night it was the worst time ever. I would wake up with swollen eyes, I didn’t felt to do anything, my mental was really broke down, gosh it was REALLY WORST

But after two months, we contacted each other again and it was go on and go on~ and we were in condition where we were in unclear relationship. But, because we really care to each other, relationship didn’t look that important.

Well, haha, that what was I thought. One day, for some reasons, he told me that he didn’t want to be in this unclear relationship. And, for some reasons, I’ve let him go. You know what? It was too complicated so I can’t explain it.

But then, a month after that, my ex boyfriend, dating with other girl.

Hell yeah, what I thought about boys are true BOYS ARE FUCKING JERK!! Yes, of course I’m mad! In the fact, I should punch him on the face!

But no, I didn’t punch him, my hands is too cool to do that. But believe me, a sentences ‘I love you, but I hate you’ is really existed. Because although I really really really upset because he could easily move on like I mean nothing to him, I still love him just like before. Urgh, I am such a weak heart little girl -,-

I really don’t understand how could he move on that fast? If he already had feeling with ‘that girl’ since he was still with me?  Wait, still with me? Well, I can’t blame him, although he was still with me at that time, we were in ‘unclear relationship’ anyway.

Urgh, it’s hurt -,-

I said before that after I broke up with him I cried almost every night. And the time that I lost him again, that was when he told me that he didn’t wanted to be in that unclear relationship anymore, I was cried really bad. I cried for hours, I kept fell slept then woke up and cried again. In the morning my eyes were super swallowed but that night I also promised to myself that after tonight, I wouldn’t cry because of him anymore. That night is the last day I cried for him.

And until today, I still keep that promise. I never cry anymore. But, sometimes I felt that I was really wanted to cry, but I couldn’t, the tears won’t come out. But, everytime I feels hurt or when I miss him so bad, I can feels the pain clearly in my chest, but it’s just not effected me to cry. It’s hurt but that doesn’t make me cry. It’s made me thought that I already used with this pain. I even didn’t cry when I found out that he dating with another girl, but yes I could felt a knife had stab my heart.

However I understand why he decided to end our unclear relationship. What I don’t understand is how could be he move on that fast?! Yeah, that’s the problem.

But, when he was still with me, he always kind, sweet, and gentle. I felt really comfortable with him. He always patient with me, there are MANY THINGS that he did and made me really happy. And yes I see him as a perfect boy because I love him and because I want to protect his imperfection. Beside that, I had hurt him before, I was the one who wanted to break up for the first time, and he forgave me. And I will always forgive him too.

You know what? I never expect to love someone this much, I don’t even know when will I have a day without thinking about him. I know it sound too much, but it is real. And yes, I never regret to be his girlfriend, and I believe that he never meant to hurt me.

He’s the one who told me to don’t let go someone you love, the one who gave me white day present, the one who taught me to always have a nice conversation with my parents, and the one who told me to remember that this world is beautiful so don’t ever miss any second in every moments.

I adore my feelings for him, I don’t know if it’s a true love or if I really can call him as my first love, because I’m still not sure how love truly is. I don’t have plan to move on and I also don’t have plan to get back with him. I will just let this feelings go with the flow, let time run, and see what will happen.

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